Wonder Where I've Been?

It's been over a month since I wrote. Forgive me, I've been taking care of a small person.

Only a few hours old.

On November 30, at 11:53 am, Conner decided to come a little early. Since then, the only source of the internet I've had the energy for was from my phone. I'm not at freaked out and as terrible at this as I thought I'd be, but I am as exhausted as I guessed. But it's a good thing. Even during labor, I still didn't have those motherly feelings popping up like I had assumed would. The second the doctor laid him on my chest, they did. I couldn't imagine not having him now. 

Hospital picture!

I was hoping that mommyhood would inspire me to write more. Honestly, it's made me hate this blog. I still want to blog and share, but I've finally realized I have no talent for coding anymore. I'm way too simple with it and it leaves me with a design I simply can't stand. Adding in pictures irks me because I can't even get a small border around them. I've relied on the "helpers" that make anyone thing they can design a layout for so long, I've forgotten half of everything I ever taught myself. And to think, this is what I wanted to go to college for. So, you can see why this whole thing makes me feel like a failure. I'm going to give it one more shot. New layout and all. After that I'm done. Truthfully, I don't even want to be on blogger anymore. I'd like to try wordpress, but sadly, I've got so illiterate with this, it confuses me. So here's to nothing, literally.

How Pinteresting?

If anyone could catch a glimpse at what I do all day on my phone, you'd be surprised that I am barely on facebook or twitter. I periodically check in, but not for long. I'm mostly on pinterest. A site that I'm very happy is becoming popular. Because I'm such an addict, I decided that it would be a neat idea to post my top 3 pins of the moment. I could say I would do this weekly, but we all know that my blogging is more on the sporadic side. So how about we settle on whenever I have some pretty awesome new pins?

1. 'Conner Jay' Board - I love these! I don't love that they cost $35, though. So this is now a diy project that I really need to finish. I've got them created, I've just got to print & frame them. Orange, Green, and Red are going over his crib and Blue is going over the "diaper station." Except, I'm going to colorize them to match his bedding. :)

2. 'Do-It-Yourself Projects' Board - Wallpapering the back of a bookshelf. I don't know why I'm obsessed with this. A bookshelf would be a bad idea for me. I have so many books crammed on mine, you wouldn't hardly see the design. I do have my computer hutch that I would love to do. You could totally see it when I'm on the computer and make it much nicer when I'm blogging.

3. 'Too Funny' Board - Jenna Marbles is amazing! Now, I'm usually not a big youtube fan. I don't really see how it's entertaining to roam the site all day watching different videos. I get bored with it. But I have to watch hers. Something about her, I die laughing.

Hopefully soon I'll be making some post about actually accomplishing something I've pinned. 

Holy Baby Supplies, Batman!

This past Saturday, my mom and aunt (actually her best friend, but she should be recognized as my aunt) threw me a baby shower. Most mother-to-be's would be ever so excited at this event, but I'm not most. I don't like to be the center of attention or have a fuss made over me. Needless to say, I was screw on that part. But the day did turn out to be a success. Rusty was a trooper and sat by my side for the whole two hours of awkwardly opening presents and trying to be a good little social butterfly. Which didn't work that well, but I can't please everybody.

Didn't we look thrilled?

Though my invitations were lacking any bit of registry info, my family was pretty good at guessing what they thought I would like and need. I had more presents than I could have imagined getting. I figured when I got home, there would be a few more things that I would still need to pick up, but my list would be much shorter than before. Boy, was I wrong. That night, both me and Rusty were tired, so we just put everything we got in the crib. Which was over flowing. The next day, I pulled everything out and sorted it on the bed. Once it was all out and grouped together, I just stood there with my mouth opened.

There's more that's not pictured..

Rusty did his manly duty and built the storage bins we're using for his dresser and I organized. After figuring what should go in which bin, I still ended up with the crib being full. Now it's just bottles, diapers, wipes, bedding, and clothes that need to be washed. While I organized, I checked everything off on my neat little check list I have on a pregnancy app on my phone. I couldn't believe it when I checked every essential off. The even more shocking thing was the amount of returns I have. Four. Yes, that's it. Out of everything you see in the picture, there are only four items that are duplicates. I'm so very impressed at everyone's shopping ability without a registry that has clues! I couldn't do it.

So now we have to endure the tiring parts. All of his clothes must still be washed, along with the bedding. I have to figure out where to store the all the many diapers and wipes that will be used so quickly once he's here. There are so many bottles, nipples, and pacifiers that need to be cleaned before he uses them. And some place has to be made for all the bottles in the cabinets! Plus, Rusty and I both have diaper bags that need to be packed. And the hospital bag! No, I still have not got that all packed and I'm down to just a mere 5 weeks before he's here! It may be in these few weeks that I quickly lose my sanity.

Our Furry Guest

Wednesday was my birthday. Not that exciting, if you ask me. I've never been one to really party or make a big deal about it. So I prefer to keep it simple. I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon, which probably took up all of 40 minutes. Nice and quick. Then Rusty and I did a little shopping because all I really wanted was a queen sized zebra throw from Target. I've waited a month and a half to get this throw seeing as I could only justify buying a $20 blanket if it was for my birthday. That night, we had a quiet dinner out, just us two. It was a good birthday.

But it wasn't all average. On the way home, Rusty spotted a great pyrenees dog standing in the middle of the road only 2 minutes from our apartment. Both of us being the animal lovers that we are, we soon had a fluffy white dog in the truck with us. She had to be the sweetest dog we could have found. Let's not even mention how pretty she was. I've always loved great pyrenees'.

Since she's a french herding dog and oh-so pretty, I called her Joli.

Once we had the dog in the truck with us, we called Rusty's mom. She is pretty much the Stokes County Humane Society. Yes, I do mean to imply she is the organization herself, she's pretty much the imbodiment of it. We got the basics of what to do so that no matter what this dog had a happy ending. After a pretty easy meeting with our cats, Jill and Wesker, we got to have dog for one night. Though, she pretty much just ate and slept. Wesker tried to have a new playmate, but Joli realized he was a tad too small to be playing with.

First meeting. Excuse the crappy phone pictures.

In the morning, Rusty took Joli to the animal hospital in front of my work to see if she was microchipped. It would be nice if that's where it ended because she had fully responsible owners, but nope. Rusty got creative. He stopped at the house in front of where we found her since the guy was mowing his yard. She wasn't his, but gave him an idea where to head. He went down the suggested road and stopped to ask a guy who was working with his dog and some goats. Luckily, he knew the dog. He sent him to the owner's house and she was united with her family. I'm extremely happy that her adventure ended safely. Even thought, thanks to Mona, there was many ways she could have gotten a happy ending. Though I wish I had been with Rusty if only to option a better name for her.. her real name was simply "Girl." I can't really talk to much though, seeing as I have a dog named "Runt."

I did just realize that I have never wrote about my two cats, who I also rescued. Be on the look out for those when I'm having a few uninteresting days.

Why Aren't You Scared?!

I'm laying here on the couch, cuddled up to my cat, just surfing through facebook. I'm amazed at the amount of 'wtf?' thoughts that go though my head. Usually I see these ridiculous posts and I feel better about myself. Sort of my like slice of free therapy. But tonight, it just left me feeling scared for out future generation.

Since I've gotten pregnant, I've seen many on my friends list make the same announcement or noticed the announcement of a new life. I don't know if it's because pregnancy in my area is up (though I could say this about my area at any time) or that since it's become a part of my life, I notice it more. Probably the latter. Regardless, it seems to be popping up more. When I found out I was pregnant, I sat beside Rusty with both of us staring in complete shock. We couldn't form words. I couldn't speak the words "Mommy" or "Daddy" without bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter. I was sure something snapped and I had finally went mentally insane. The thought of parenthood was something that scared the life out of Rusty and myself. This is also what I believe the appropriate response is for someone in our situation. We are unmarried, barely getting by in our tiny one bedroom apartment, and now we're expected to be responsible for a tiny little person. Hell, I was still working on being responsible for just me! It was months before I could utter the words to anyone other than family. Just saying it to family was enough of a challenge for the both of us. It took us sometime to realize the enormous change our lives are taking and to come to terms with it. Since then, we have accepted our new roles are excited about having a son together. But we still aren't taking the challenge lightly, as no parent should.

This leaves me to question, why is it that no one seems to be having rational thoughts anymore? Yes, there are a handful of people who seem to be taking the news with a sense of responsibility that they should have. But I see so many more who make it out to be playing house. This is a huge change to your life. I know I haven't taken on the challenge yet myself. But I've paid attention to those around me who have, I listen to every piece of advice someone has bestowed upon me. Yet, I still find myself having moments of freaking out. I'm just worried about these parents-to-be and the babies I guess. Then again, I've always been told I worry too much.

Do I Have to Get Dressed?

I cringe when I have to open my closet now. Every time I open my side of the closet, I'm met with my cutest tops. The ones that I can't bare to put in a tote till one day I can fit into them again, regardless if it makes me wish for this all to be over soon.. very soon. I have two pairs of maternity jeans. Why only two pairs you ask? Because the price tags on maternity wear give me sever panic attacks when I think about buying them. Seriously? $80 for a pair of jeans that I can only wear while a child is growing inside of me? Hmm.. I think I'd rather pay my electric bill, thank you. I was also told to wear my bigger pants and just use an elastic band to button them. That worked.. till I hit 6 months. I have no hips. Wait, HAD no hips. Now, because a small child will have to exit them, they have appeared. Which means that absolutely none of my jeans will fit. Let alone allow my thighs to actually breathe.

Don't get me started on the style. Yes, there can be some cute tops that work with my own personal style. But like I mentioned before, I prefer to pay my electric bill. Every time I look for something that is possible affordable, I feel as if I should be in my mid 30's, at least. If I try to wear something of my own that could maybe fit over my stomach, I look like I should be filming an episode of 16 and Pregnant. I've always looked younger and, for the most part, hope it stays that way so I don't look like I'm 60 when I'm really only 40. At the moment, it's not a good thing though. Add a big Hollister or American Eagle logo on my shirt and I have people lecturing me on teen pregnancy. Even though I have to admit I love waiting till they're done and finally telling them my real age. The pure look of 'a$$hole' on their face is just too priceless.

Yes, this post is just me ranting about wanting to wear my cute, spunky clothes and feel normal doing so. I miss my flowy tops being flowy, my skinny jeans not looking off balanced, and my boots with heels not making me want to scream from agonizing back pain. Though, I can say it has helped with one thing. I no longer fear having a small child to take care of. At least once he's in my arms and crying his head off, I'll be so very close to a normal looking me. Regardless of how exhausted I may look.

Why Bother?

That's been my exact thought when it comes to this blog. I want to write. But I never do.

First, I like to have a distinct space for things. I miss having my desk set up in the corner of my room where I could do all computer things and feel completely organized. Now, in my amazingly tiny apartment, the only place I had for a desk is now where Conner's crib sets. I've tried to come up with places to put it but, like I mentioned, my apartment is tiny and finding the room for mine and Rusty's things have been more than difficult. Add in all of Conner's things and the idea of organization seems like a cruel joke. So no bloggy space for Mom.

Secondly, I felt as if I have to censor myself. Now, when I say this, it's an inside thing. Most all blogs I've went to about being a mom are all about the cute parts. They are highly organized, stay-at-home, baking, happy moms. Yes, I know there are moms out there like this. And for a while I tried to fit into that idea while preparing for Conner. Then I hit my third trimester. I have no energy to even try to be all cutesy about it. I just didn't dare say that. That's when I found Motherhood, WTF? I fell in love. This is how I see my parenting going. Frustrating, difficult, sanity-killing, yet somehow exciting and joyful at the end of the day week. Her blog got me back into the mindset to blog myself. I don't care if I can't come up with a cute new recipe to post. Let's face it, I can make chicken casserole and cupcakes. You'll be bored by my third recipe post. There are somethings that I just need to get off my chest. Even with this new found openness, I will still have to censor myself to my disappointment. There are something that I would love to say, that would get a laugh, but I don't want to deal with the repercussions of saying those things. I would love to write out exactly what I would tell people who just royally get on my nerves but never do because I was raised better. For the simple reason, the most annoying people in my life will read this. And sadly, be the most dedicated. I'm still deciding if that's a win or loss.

The third, and probably the one that I could ignore if I wasn't me, is the fact that my layout makes me want to barf. Not literally, but close. It's more about my creativity or lack-there-of. I use to code layout after layout for whatever social network site I was on. Or multiple sites, if I'm being honest. Facebook has ruined me. I felt no need, they didn't allow customization of your profile. I was okay with that because it's exhausting work and the old I got, the more things I wanted to do than to just make sure my profile was cute, like making sure I was dressed cute. And anyone who knows me, knows that it's an effort when I want to be girly. So now, I feel like a failure when trying to make a simple blog look decent, not even amazing.

I'm back now. So, I will be trying to ignore all of these reason to not blog, and just go with it. I'm done trying to fit in to something I never really wanted to in the first place. Time to be me. Though, I"m hoping to remedy that last reason tonight. If I can keep my sanity mind you.